A Letter to My ‘Right Person, Wrong Time’.
One thing I’ve always been good at is putting my emotions into words, but never fearless enough to say them out loud.
Through these times of grief and confusion, I’ve done a lot of soul-searching. Although I can’t be your friend right now, there are some things I need you to know. We can agree that uncertainty was what broke us, so I’m writing this letter to tell you everything I wish I would’ve said.
I love you enough to show you what real love is, the kind of love that doesn’t turn its back on someone who doesn’t know how to ask for help. I love you enough to help you remember who you are and that you are loved. Really, truly, deeply loved. I love you enough to love you from a distance and love me enough for the both of us while you work on yourself.
I love you enough to stay by your side and repair the damage of anyone who came before me. I love you enough to give my last breath just to hear you say you love me again.
You always ask, “Why me?” And I should have done a better job showing you how much of who you are means everything to me. So let me be clear: I chose you because of the way you make me feel everything so passionately — good and bad. I chose you because you protect and provide for me, and even in a crisis I couldn’t help but love my life because I had you to get me through it.
I chose you because of how respectful you are and always make sure I’m comfortable. I chose you because despite being emotionally closed off I can tell how much you care about me in the things you do: waiting until I get inside before driving away, shifting me away from traffic when we go for walks, and paying attention to my mental health, always checking in and finding ways to help.
It’s not a matter of settling, it’s consciously deciding every day that you are good enough to be the person I choose for the rest of my life. The way you challenge me. Frustrate me. Because that is far better than a love that’s too good to be true. There are endless reasons why I chose you, and I would choose you every time.
People keep telling me that the right boy wouldn’t put himself in a position to lose me, but the right girl would accept the mess inside your head and your struggle to share what you’re dealing with. The right girl would give you the space you need to find your way back to her and hope that you find yourself along the way.
Rather than punishing you for not leveling with me, I need to give you the freedom you need to be better for both of us. I’ve already done my time in working on myself and getting my youth out of my system, but true love means giving you unconditional support when it’s your turn. I don’t want to start my next chapter if it means I have to leave you in this one.
When I say my motivation in life is companionship, I believe that I was put on this earth to share the capacity of my heart and I refuse to leave without making sure you’ve felt it. I don’t think you’re afraid of settling down, I think you’re afraid you’re not worthy of everything I have to offer.
I know it wasn’t easy for you to walk away from me and that you’re only doing what you think is necessary in order to prepare yourself for the future. In a sense, you did us a favor by cutting ties when you did. We weren’t happy where things were going, and the underlying issues would have broken us in time anyway. So, as much as it hurts right now and as much as we crave each other’s touch, this is for the best.
I am working on myself by allowing you to work on yourself. We are still growing, and I can’t wait for the day you understand my definition of love, whether it’s I who shows you or someone else.
Thank you for all the adventures and unforgettable experiences you’ve given me. Those memories will be a part of me forever, and I hope you know the tremendous amount of happiness you’ve given me in our time together. Thank you for welcoming me into your family and teaching me how to escape the ordinary. I’ve always been afraid of new beginnings, but I was never afraid of falling for you.
You not only gave me the kind of love that makes my heart skip a beat, but also the kind that momentarily paralyzes me at the sound of your voice, the gaze in your sapphire eyes, and the feeling of your body touching mine. Thank you for letting me in and trusting me with your secrets. Finally, thank you for being you.
You are exactly what I needed when I needed it, and I hope someday you’ll see yourself the way I do.
I’m sorry that I didn’t do a better job of making you believe that you are good enough for me. I’m sorry that my silence prevented us from having a relationship without secrets and the chance to openly love one another. I’m sorry for the role that I played in any situation that led to our separation. I was so afraid of losing you that I tried to keep you close and didn’t give you room to breathe.
I’m still learning that too much sun can cause a drought. I’m sorry for the damage that I brought with me from my past. Falling in love after being with someone who gave you trust issues is like a Sunday afternoon, when you’ve experienced the happiness that it brings but there’s always the lingering anxiety of yet another good thing coming to an end.
Do you remember our first date when we lay next to each other in total darkness and you couldn’t pinpoint a single time in your life where you felt true happiness? I hope I’ve at least given you that, and I will continue doing whatever it takes to see you happy. I understand that sometimes you just need to figure things out for yourself, but know that I am always here.
I know we both have things that we need to work on and that things need to be bad before they can get really, really good. Regardless of what’s in line for our future, I am forever thankful for the privilege to have met you and let you change my life. You make me brave, and although I don’t always love myself, I love who I am with you.
I want you to experience everything that life has to offer, and I hope I can be there for some of the big things. You’re still my favorite person, and I look forward to our next adventure. Life is crazy, but so are we.
Samantha Hirsch is a fifth-year English major who began writing non-fiction at Mount Royal University. She has found love in sharing her personal endeavors, and hopes to reach out to those in similar situations. Her shy, introverted personality allows her to observe the challenges of the world and attempt to put them into words. Sam aspires to one day change lives in the field of Education, and believes that life is best lived one day at a time.