Your Pleasure Matters: 5 Steps to Ditch Sexual Shame.


She watches as his hands gather up handfuls of her breasts, and arches her back in pleasure. He presses his mouth to hers and meets her tongue with his.

Chills wash over her as desire courses through her veins, hot, racing, all-consuming. She feels something else though, something slowing down the pace at which she is receiving him.

He kisses her neck, and slides his hand down her belly, to between her legs, gentle fingertips pushing her open as if her body was the center of a peony, the folds of her skin petals surrounding his fingers as he explores.

Her body tightens, breath catching in her throat, and she works to relax herself. He dips a finger inside of her, finding her damp with arousal. She wants this. She wants him. She feels her want in her chest like a caged bird, anxious to free itself, but she refuses to open the door.

To let herself receive would be to confront everything that she was told about herself, about men. Her curious desire was wrong, and bad. She was unladylike in her sexual expression. Men only want one thing and will use her and leave her. She was a slut.

And if those messages were wrong, then what? Where would that leave her? Floating out into an unknown that she was unsure of how to navigate.

“Is this okay?” he asks, and she nods. It is, and it isn’t. It is to the present-day part of her that consents, enjoys, trusts, and loves having this physical conversation with him. It isn’t okay to the story in her mind that she doesn’t get to receive or express her sexuality in a way that feels best to her because of the decades old intrusive thoughts permeating this moment.

He finds her clit with a fingertip, and moves in circles around it, giving her what he knows her flesh enjoys. Her exhausted brain is tired of depriving her body from the full experience of him, and of her own pleasure. She takes the deepest breath she can find, and softens into an unknown that is dark, mysterious and sparkling with everything she wants.

She wonders, if those old messages were wrong, then what? Where would that leave her? Floating out into an unknown that she was unsure of how to navigate. But her body knew.

She lets her knees fall open, giving him more access, and kisses him deeply. The noise and the chatter in her mind sound the alarms, warning her this isn’t right, she shouldn’t be doing or wanting this.

But it is right for her. The pleasure and desire that’s happening in this moment is hers to experience. She softens into letting herself love what she loves. She sees the voices for what they are, outdated messages that were meant to control instead of empower. She understands there is no one here but her and him, and she’s in charge of her body. She belongs to herself.

How often do we get caught up in shame, fear, and guilt around our sexuality? The heavy feelings keep us in little boxes where we only allow a fraction of our pleasure to be experienced, then we wonder why we aren’t satisfied, or why we’re not interested.

Writing erotica has helped me identify and heal old beliefs and patterns in my sexuality, which in turn has enabled me to show up in a way that feels safe and authentic.

Here are my favorite steps I can recommend to get you started on your path to ditching shame and becoming the magical sex unicorn that you are.

Grab some tea, your favorite journal and pen(s).

Step One: If you could experience the fullest extent of your sexuality and no one would judge you, be upset with you, or reject you, how would you be? How would that version of you move, touch, kiss, dress? What do they have? How do they feel? Could you allow yourself to experience those feelings now? Write everything that comes to mind.

Step Two: What keeps you from experiencing this version of you? Is it shame? Fear? Trauma? All of it, and then some? What do those parts of you need you to know?  Who told you that you couldn’t be who you are?

Step Three: Which parts of yourself have you disowned? The angry ones? The outspoken ones? The rebellious ones? The lazy ones? How about the slutty ones? Let them speak, and tell their stories to you. Which parts are only allowed to see the light of day? The good girl? The overachiever? The perfect mom? The workaholic? The good wife? What do those parts need you to know about them?

Step Four: Now that you’re aware of what’s playing out behind the scenes, write the sexiest, juiciest, most delicious piece of erotica you’ve ever experienced. Include all five senses, thoughts and feelings. Notice, as you do this, as you dive deep and sink into what you need to express, all the parts of you that surfaced in Step Two.

Here’s your work: you get to kindly acknowledge those parts and thank them for keeping you safe, then keep your pen moving, feeling into the version of you that you want to embody. This is how those old thoughts shift. You’re allowed to write as much as you want in all the ways that you want.

Step Five: Create a ritual for writing erotica, and use it as a way to connect to your voice, your desire, your creativity, and your pleasure. Make some space to get cozy, sultry, or relaxed, whatever feels good to you. Maybe keep a special journal or notebook for your sexy stories. Maybe share them with your partner, or keep them for yourself. No matter what, it’s all for you.

Bonus Step: If you were to describe your sexual energy in one word, what would it be? If you were to give it a color, what would that be?

Writing offers you safety and space to explore all the ways your mind and body want. The paper doesn’t judge or make you feel bad for liking what you like, or wanting what you want. It’s there to hold and support you.

Your pleasure matters. What you want matters. You matter.


Melissa Lee is an erotica-writing sex coach who helps the humans ditch their shame and become the magical sex unicorns that they are! You can book an appointment with her here. She would love it if you sent her a DM here to let her know what word you choose to describe your sexual energy. When she’s not writing or talking about sex, you can find her outside with a coffee, admiring squirrels, or on an adventure with her love. She lives in Seattle.


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