And when we do choose, we need to make no apologies for those choices. I’ve got years of fear and guilt I’m living under.
It’s about being uncomfortable, mile after boring mile. It’s about wanting, and learning, and wishing, and doing, and crawling, and sailing as we make our way. It’s about thoughts turned into words turned into actions. And sometimes it can be about lacing up a pair of pretty running shoes -- ...
I'm tired because I cried for hours and hours and hours last night, tears streaming and soaking my pillow, and I woke with swollen eyes, still feeling sorry for myself, missing my partner, lamenting my children's misfortune, and feeling the depths of depression that have characterized my life ...
I like to imagine I have a big wardrobe full of hearts. Some days I can choose one, almost whimsically, like a brightly colored scarf. Some days it is more complicated. I pretend these hearts are hung in a neat little row on pretty hangers, and tucked into drawers with sweetly scented sachets. ...
My belief at the time was that I would 'go' when the money ran out. I thought, "Well, fuck it, the Universe obviously must not want me in it." Job-hunting and interviewing became a daily practice of building myself up only to be torn down. So I gave the Universe a suicide deadline.
What would my 20-year-old self think of my almost 40-year-old self? She’d probably think, "Oh fuck, you still haven’t done any of that stuff? Now it’s way too late. You’re old. You missed the boat." And I’d say, "Yeah, I know, I know, I’ve been thinking that too."
All you actually need to have to do that dreaded Thing is a few seconds of stubbornness, enough stubbornness to try, to make a little teeny tiny small and smelly promise to yourself that you will try, that you're open to it not working and looking stupid and feeling small.
You trusted the last one when the red flags went off, so what makes this one different? What makes this love trustworthy and worth it? Between the fear and the doubt of your own understanding of the fear that is still in your mind, you have to trust your heart and your intuition.