By Barry John Johnson.
It is a beautiful day. I am sitting in the park on a beach towel reading a book about how to be a writer.
I am reading a section discussing how to select what to write about. The author is recommending to write about the mundane, the trivial, then break it down to try to find greater meaning in it.
Just then, I hear a sneeze. I can somehow tell that it is a kid’s sneeze, for sure. What struck me as unusual was that the sneeze featured an extended ending. There was an extra fluttering of the lips and commensurate noise, as if intentional, but obviously organic. The overall sneeze lasted longer than what might be expected with the greater noise of this fluttering lip effect.
I don’t know if this was a one-time deal for this kid or if this is how he sneezes all of the time. It’s just that it was clearly distinct, out of the ordinary.
Human milk consumption by cows is also strongly linked to testicular cancer among bulls ages 8 to 18, so avoiding the consumption of human breast milk is crucial for maintaining the health of those rocky mountain oysters.
After getting out to help, I noticed a Canadian license plate from the corner of my eye. I froze with fear. I had fallen for the oldest trick in the book. Fox News had spent years warning me about the dangers of encountering foreigners, and despite my best vigilance, here I was in the grips of death.
Obviously, the Bible warns us about an anti-Christ, like Obama, who Christians will blindly follow in the end of days, which is why we need to be careful with who we choose to be our new Lord. We must make sure that we pick a real God, like Joel Osteen or Senator Paul Brown.
Well, perhaps the opportunity wasn't lost, but the motivation to dig a little deeper gained—even if it doesn't manifest for a day or two or three. You know these places: I should have said this, I should have said that, I should have asked for this or that and something else. But, none of it really matters...
Beyonce has Sasha Fierce. David Bowie has (or had, rather) Ziggy Stardust. Clark Kent has Super Man. Then there's the most famous duo Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. An alter ego need not be evil as spiritual author and teacher Sonia Choquette recommends giving your higher self a name.
"The kinder and more intelligent a person is, the more kindness he can find in other people. Kindness enriches our life; with kindness mysterious things become clear, difficult things become easy and dull things become cheerful." - Leo Tolstoy
Recently, while sitting in a coffeehouse and avoiding an important writing assignment like a good little procrastinator, I was startled from my reverie by an explosive sneeze from a fellow at a nearby table.
Frak you—I’m pissed off.
A typical rant that goes on in my head when I just can’t deal with someone’s shitty attitude:
So you’ve got a handful of kittens and you’re still pissed off (metaphor for your life is pretty good, yeah, I’m judging that it’s probably better than your shitty tude and if kittens can’t make you happy, then what can?!).
Yeah, Mister (or Miss), I think you should know that your bad energy field is bigger than Kansas and its gravitational suction is like one of those South American sink holes. Of course you have a tragic back story that justifies your life-consuming negativity, but I gotta tell you, you’ve gotten to the point where it’s hard to tell where your pain begins and your inconsiderate selfishness ends.
Have you forgotten that I have pain too? Have you forgotten that we all...