I imagined that I would unzip my chest and let my heart fall onto this paper. That in between beats, I would reach inside and gently pull on the loose strings, opening it up, and the stories that hurt too much to speak of would spill out and out and I would catch them in my cupped hands and throw them over my left shoulder.
If these three words could expand and show us all the meanings hidden in it, could it look anything like this? I love you... as an imperfect being, someone who will disappoint me one day, and then again, because you are human.
Feeling the connection of the knowing that another feels you and sees you is a form of relaxation or cellular ease. My body lets go of the struggle or attachment when I receive empathy. I surrender into the flow of energy passing all around me. My held breath stored in my chest releases, because I know deep in my cells I do not need to flee. I am safe, I am protected, I am guided.
And sometimes the storm comes. It hits hard. And when it does, we cannot find shelter. We are swept up in its force under cracked open heavens. And there is nothing to do but let the flood waters rise, and yes -- sometimes things break and sometimes we break and sometimes it seems that the damage is catastrophic and that nothing will ever be the same again.
I don't know exactly when I realized that my mother didn't love me, only that it is a shadow that was formed many years ago and has followed me around all of my life. Even as a baby I look miserable and I wonder, did she know then? That she didn't want me?
I could never do this in a monogamous relationship. There was simply no space. It wasn't because we were sexually exclusive; it was because monogamy inevitably leads to emotional exclusivity. I wanted to be as emotionally open as possible.
You see, life's trials have divine value for me; they are the light on my path, the blessings disguised as sorrow and the firing up of my essence. For a short while, before you appeared as Dick, you were allowed to litter my mind with masked lies. You also caged my soul with complexities and showered my heart with bullshit. But I still am extremely grateful for all of this.
Her. Not a leaving for her. But the way all the leavings were leading to here, now. Where the Yes is clear and complete, and all the work worth it. And the moments of knowing, that we don't get to here without the trail of all the loving, and the way it sometimes marks us with the raised welts of damages done and sometimes illuminates us and our own hunting hearts. But we are here, with all that brought us to here. And her face makes something in me believe, that the great gift is not the erasure of life lived but the grounded rapture of meeting here, her, after the fall.
A heart with powerful intentions, which I haven't been able to articulate… at least not the way I want to… because there is a war of incredible poetry that wages in my gut between sharp intellect and wild emotion… and the debris of sentiment floating throughout the air, the well-meaning gun smoke of thought… finds this writer oftentimes… without words.
Maybe something happened to me one day. A strange thing. A painful, beautiful thing. A shock or a slow-burning, quietly tumultuous thing. In the stillness that followed, I went in search of all the locked doors, all the hidden places and every dark, sealed-off part inside, and when I found them, I used all my strength to prise them open.
As a rebellious creative who pretty much abhors social conventions, I have always held an inner revolution against our boxed love culture -- the way we attempt to tie love down to our expectations, labels, attachments, and claim some peripheral form of ownership upon another heart. Those who know me have asked, with true curiosity, why I have decided to marry.
Down dimensions of telepathic trips,
sway my hips,
trace your kiss with my fingertips,
to taste you long after I walk away.
I stop to close my eyes.
Can you feel yourself love?
Can you hear your own voice?
Silence your mind.
And we dance.
Till all that was left was our molten core of
Savage passion and
Pure unadulterated liveliness
And even though she is gone
And every nerve ending wails Her name
I am finally
We have only known each other in small moments, our paths crossing in a river of daylight and then disconnecting again, but I miss you, Alegría. I miss the feeling that you reside inside me, your ebbing light that begins in the corners of my ribcage and then starts to glow.
He was an entire curriculum wrapped in a bald-headed package with the most beautiful hands she'd ever touched. His lessons were tough -- on living now and letting go and loving hard when there's love to be had.
As we grow and change as humans, so do our relationships. I understand this, just as I understand that at the end of the day, we have to learn to be our own pillars of strength. We need to learn to claw our way out from the jowls of hell of our own creation that we throw ourselves into of our own accord.
Society lies to us when it bombards us with what love looks like, how we must look like to be pretty and feminine, to be masculine, to be good God-fearing people – we are surrounded by lies. How then do we challenge those lies to find our true truth? What would our lives be like without all the lies? Who would we become, how would we move in the world, interact with others, how would we love? How many people have been driven insane by their own lies? How many have committed heinous crimes based on their own lies? How many people have stayed in relationships that were bad because of lies?
at the tinkling laughter of a stranger before
just because I was feeling a little lonely.
a little too verklempt.
Oh yes, too verklempt, indeed.
My mouth set in a decidedly twitchy black and pitchy frown.
I have a habit of building someone up in my mind to the point of dehumanization. They are no longer a human being capable of faults and mistakes. They become a magical creature that has captivated my attention.
I never thought I was trying to change you.
I suppose some part of me knew
that your love was a half-assed poem
shoved in the back pocket
of the pants you purchased
when you were still trying to impress me.
But I am still trying to impress you.
I am still forcing you into poems
like microscopes, hoping I can find something
in the seventeen thousand four hundred and twenty seven seconds
you have spent staring at me,
other than everything you wanted me to be
that I never was.
I suppose the goddess inside
of me was tired of being ignored.
Coming from two different variables and two different perspectives can burden love in every sense of the word.
Are opposites attracting truly a viable means to everlasting love? This moment, this meaning, this very place we call love is tossed up into the night sky and left wandering around until it lands where it feels safe and secure. My heart feels your heart.
We are open and willing and surrounded by possibilities, and endless amounts of nuances leading us down the path of freedom and serenity. If we can only find the space in between to make it last, with me not always floating on a breeze, and you not always keeping my feet on the earth.
I can take the lead, but I need a soft place to land. I need to feel your arms wrapped around me, nudging me to continue to take care of my heart and sensitive self. I need your softness to wallow up inside of me, creating the space for...
I want to Love my life. Love it exactly as it is now and not some fantastical, idealized version that exists nowhere except in my noggin’. Love it for exactly what it is now, with all its frustration and failure and credit card debt and unrealized dreams.
I made myself a mind palace, and did not realize I built it for two. You were in every inch of it, it just took you time to manifest. You had to pull yourself out of the polished wooden banisters that lead up to our attic room.
We will rise above our false sense of self and discover we are wiser and stronger. Our souls will be drenched in love and no longer ashamed of who and what we are. We will see the light in darkness and honor all the pieces of our self -- especially the shadows and we will find our boundless strength and exquisiteness.
As we invest in relationships with others, we should equally spend our time on things that we are passionate about. We should become aware when we allow something to dominate too much of our energy and time. One thing, one career, one situation does not an individual make.
My experience and inner wisdom kept shouting at me, time after time, that the next snoozing episode would only deepen the wounding slumber, only worsen the scarring from lingering between dream, nightmare and awake, and yet, I thirstily pressed our button, knowing the damage I was doing us.