You think you must be the only one in the world without a redeeming quality left, as you wage war against these secret creatures of yours, begging to be loved. The only straggler amongst all the others who've got their shit together. The only one who can no longer see your own face behind the masks. The only one fissured and flawed. The only one with guilt and shame seeping out of your eyes. No, darling, this is a human experience. We are all kindred in our universal brokenness.
I’ve never been able to pretend my way into a relationship and I’ve also never been able to be as open as I would love to be. This is the part that scares me. My growth now will be tested when I meet that person. All of this personal toil will be challenged and I feel frightened to soften for someone. I guess fearful of becoming damaged once again if rejected. The thought hardens me and I close up.
Yes, you are in for a lot of heartbreak in the years ahead. You will live through it. You will love again. One of the greatest things about you is your big, wide, all-encompassing, compassionate heart. Yes, betrayal hurts, but you will be okay.
A special thanks to Pooja Shah and Jenny Binovec for transcribing the below so beautifully. Next time we’ll share real human voices.
I came across an article a couple of weeks ago written by a very brave soul. She instantly healed a corner of my heart and became a powerful inspiration in my life.
I’ve walked portions of her path. I’m still lost on a few bends.
A distorted self-image has plagued nearly my entire life, mostly due to childhood pain and lack of self-worth know-how. But a few years ago, I made a commitment to self-care, love and to revealing as much of my authentic beauty as I can — and in doing so, encouraging others to do the same.
So here we are.
I’d love for you to experience her story, so that you too can be invited into the possibility of seeing yourself more clearly. With truth, self-acceptance and irrevocable...
We are to wait until we are spoken to, picked, chosen, rescued by the white knight galloping valiantly in on his mighty steed, coming to take us away to his palace, where we can live happily ever after. Cast this spell from your heart or fold into your half-lived life and fossilize.
No more temporary fixes of running back and re-infusing him into my blood to make the pain go away. No more loving the pain because it means I'm not alone. No more pretending I don't see the truth so that I can live out my dream with a Prince Charming who has a Maleficent on the side
I now stand before you, much lighter and freer than before. Having returned from the brink of destruction, from the center of that blazing fire, having crawled through coals with hot soot running wild in my veins, I have a secret to share with you.
My hand polishes the lines on your face, the ones that leave valleys by your eyes, valleys as storied and beautiful as the one in which I was born, and you lean into me. I see the freckles splayed like stars across your skin; I trace them into pictures of speckled sparrows taking flight in the sun. Tangled up in blankets and limbs and words not spoken, faces pressed together, we sleep.
When we spend Time around good people, or those who touch us deeply in some way, we have this uplifting feeling inside ourselves. This energy stored in our body that flows through us like a drug in our system, making everything around us seem brighter and more full of life.
I want the whole cake. That's right, I want the whole damn thing. I'm tired of the crumbs, and can no longer only allow myself to take small bites. So why is it that I keep gladly accepting the stale slices of love and affection when I know I deserve more?
So tell me, how did you stay away? Tell me so I can, too. I need so desperately to fall out of love with you. I need to find the girl that you fell in love with. The strong and confident one that knew exactly what she wanted out of life but really knew nothing at all. I need her and her dreams.
When we as women start to shed the wars and ghosts that are not ours. When we start to clear our karmic lines for all of our mothers and grandmothers who could not do so. When we clear our own traumas and feel the weight of our bodies pushing our feet into Gaia. When we start to say No. When we start to say I want. What happens then?
You miss his body. You miss the way your back pressed into his chest as his strong arms held you close. You miss the way your bodies once moved together. Now, as he comes to bed, you reach out to him. He pulls away. "Tired," he says.
How unjust I think it is that my loved ones cannot understand my illness is not something you can snap out of -- but how little patience I at times have with others. I have oft admired the Dalai Lama's proclamation that the most important thing we can teach our children is compassion -- but how often do I forget that simple action myself!
I no longer miss you with a consuming sadness or in a soul-shattering, heart-collapsing kind of way. In fact, it's not even really sadness. It's more of an acknowledgement that something that was once vibrantly ever-present is now gone.
“It’s dark because you are trying too hard. Lightly, child, lightly. Learn to do everything lightly. Yes, feel lightly even though you’re feeling deeply. Just lightly let things happen and lightly cope with them. So throw away your baggage and go forward.
There are quicksands all about you, sucking at your feet, trying to suck you down into fear and self-pity and despair. That’s why you must walk so lightly. Lightly, my darling…”
~ Aldous Huxley
I’m in a constant state of movement. I wake to the same thought, “Where’s today’s fix coming from?” I’m always on the hunt to see more, feel more, experience more, hold more (even when it hurts), love more… because I’ve learned my lesson: The only way out is through.
I’ve turned my back on everything I once knew. I’ve spent days, weeks, maybe...
Lean into the variegated trill of song. Hug the hollow bones of your graceful wings. Soak and rinse in the soulful rain's song. Wear a cape of chartreuse moss. Create an emerald privet. Protect your crimson heart. Lay an altar with tokens of lapis, moonstone and stardust. Sprinkle twigs, leaves and pinecones; your heart knows these treasures well.
Isn't that exactly what marriage is? A binding contract between two people (traditionally a heterosexual couple with the purpose of procreation) wrought with expectation and impending disappointment and heartbreak.
I've been having a love affair with you my whole life. Your complexities have held up a mirror and helped me rise from the flames of my own struggles. We've grown up together, you and I. You'll never know the child I was before you burst into my life.