I tried to stop it. The harder I tried, the more the river flowed. My teacher said "take the deepest breath you can find" and my focus was deeply on finding that breath. As I exhaled, my body shook with grief and anger and disappointment and sorrow. I inhaled with all my might, trying to stay grounded on my mat, grounded in my present truth.
For the spiritually-minded who are thinking, "Yes, but God is my sugar daddy": that may be true, but when the checks come in, it's completely on God's time. And have you ever noticed that's a lot different from your time?
Solitary, but not lonely. I need naps, and time to watch the sky change color. I need time to fall into a book and have adventures. I need time to think and write and drink coffee and schlep around the house in my pajamas. Other people are wonderful in small doses. But without downtime by myself, I grow depleted very quickly. Yes. I am an introvert. An INFJ, to be exact.
I understand that I don't need a reflection to validate my existence, or to cement my understanding of my purpose. I accept now that everybody is living in their own reality tunnel, and they can only see what their reality allows them to see.
“Unburden yourself so much that you can pass from moment, to moment, to moment,” says Amrit Desai, who designed the yoga Mrs. Camino was practicing, a style described as more than a physical discipline, but a process of consciousness liberation, as well.
I’m trying to write through all the pain and uncertainty. Occasionally, I’m able to recycle my demons into art. And that creation can be a safe hold for some else’s suffering. That is when I feel the greatest connection to the people around me.
“Then there’s the fear of facing ourselves for who we truly are: the good, the bad, and the really, really ugly… and that too is an awful fucking fear. But until we’re willing to take a good hard look at both of the selves we believe to be — the person we present to the world and the person we hide at all costs..."
I grew up to love food, its taste, its smell, and even chewing it. I was overweight and addicted to food by the age of 23. Luckily, I embarked on a journey of healthy lifestyle, but the patterns are still with me. My inner wolf materializes from time to time, and so I binge.
Inside jokes become funnier, roller coaster screams become louder, ocean wave crashes become harder, and you almost forget if life even happened before you knew them. You definitely wonder if life is capable of going on without them by your side.
Write down your problems on scraps of paper, roll them into a ball, and toss them into the bucket. Throw in your disappointment, your expectations, and your heartache. Throw in your shame, your worry and your anxiety. Dump in all of the negative thoughts that enter your brain each day.
We simply need to learn to recognize and listen to their quiet wisdom, rather than the misleading chitter-chatter of our mind. This way, we will be following a deeper calling -- an instinctual and soul-driven knowledge that whatever it is we are drawn to is ultimately the best opportunity for us.
It is awesome because I am growing now, for real, and not just standing on my toes pretending I am taller, and it is great in a very frightening way. It is great because I can feel myself evolving, developing one aspect or another for every inch I move forward, breaking my comfort zone like I used to break glasses.
In love we can feel ourselves floating off into the distant stars, soaring, expanding, and sparkling with luster. Our child like imaginations are kindled as we fly above the clouds, gaining an immunity from anything that sucks.
If we resist what is, if we hang on -- claws out, hair on end -- we are missing out on all that might fill that blank space if we readily allowed it to empty. As terrifying as it is to venture into the void, to let ourselves off the hook, to float alone in this oceanic world, there are times that we simply must let go of what is. Otherwise, as the Zen proverb in the title above stipulates, we can look forward to being dragged until we do finally let go of whatever it is that is not for us.
What do we do when we get triggered -- annoyed, frustrated, frightened -- by someone we like or love? How do we hold ourselves when someone comes to us in crisis? How do we keep our center when we feel we are being antagonized or attacked?
The important thing is to sit with what is real and what is now. I am not okay. As much as I would like to be. As much as I know I will be. As much as I desire to see that flicker at the end. At this moment, I do not. I do not have the answers. I feel uncomfortable and vulnerable and raw and imperfect. I am not okay.
There is something with the way art moves you; real art, that is, the kind that rushes across your spine like the fingertips of whoever clasps your heart hardest, spotting your cheeks and laying out a carpet of salty sand for your toes to dive deep into, your eyes closing as rainbows fucking fall all around you, a tremble and then the inevitable stillness.
The more I practice, the more easily I see through the bullshit I have gotten buried in over the years and the more I am able to see myself as a beautiful and radiant soul, even from inside my almost-40 body, irregardless of all these things.
For some of us, it's a big surprise when we realize how physical Enlightenment is. Yet, unconsciously or consciously, don't we discern others' level of awareness by their physical presentation? Don't we judge them by their appearance, actions, words and deeds, all external? Don't we expect our spiritual leaders to practice what they preach, to embody the realizations they claim?
Of course, self-experimentation is exactly the opposite of how most of us want to approach things. We would prefer that someone hand us a one-page sheet with the answers to our problems and say, “Do this and you’ll be good to go.” Furthermore, if someone shares an idea that seems outlandish or weird, most of us would rather dismiss it than experiment for six months to see if it can actually work for us.
Go ahead, squeeze my melons. Tweak them, Pinch them. All, and I mean ALL, of the nerves in my breast area have been severed. I have no sensation in my breasts or in my nipples... The way things are right now, you could clamp a vice grip on my nipples and I would never know.
Fear and love are dropped onto the battlefield of awareness. And commanded to fight. For what? Why is love a salve for fear, fear a boon to love. Mel Brooks said, “Everything we do in life is based on fear, especially love.”
This government based on monied interests is something that needs to change, but it will only get worse if we just sit on lily pads Ommm-ing instead of actually standing up and doing something about it!