Slow Down My Beaten Heart.

{Francesca Woodman}

{Francesca Woodman}

 

I’d like to remember the smell of early mornings; get up before the sun and be the first Eve who’s ever walked on Earth. Does anybody know what dew is?

I’d like to be a cat when I stretch, feel my cells multiply as I reach the other side of a yawn; decaffeinate my heartbeats, green up my tea, unblock my creative aorta, juice out my imagination.

And question everything, the how, the what, the why behind the why, this curious human condition.

I’d like to reach a higher scale in my shower symphony, compose an opera on the spot and splash the bathroom walls with unapologetic notes. Wash all my sins away with organic soap. Look in the mirror and believe.

I’d like to answer all my phone calls, return all emails in a timely manner and mean the how-are-yous; not hide my broken hallelujahs, not save my gratitude for characters in books. Put love on sale, like I should.

I’d like to be a friend of both insects and men, not be afraid of spiders, not step on ants, save someone, somewhere, anything.

I’d like to yogalize my poses, buddhalize my prayers, jesusize my love and hindulize my smile.

I’d like to whisper to only a few souls under a blanket instead of shouting at hundreds over these virtual rooftops. I’d like to inhale people and exhale skin, explore huggability and memorize the art of breathing.

I’d like to love you out loud, not only in the dark cave of my mind, with bats hanging out of my eyes, upside down, insomniac, irresolute, and dizzy…

I’d like to speak in complete sentences, instead of SMSing, DMing and WhatsApping E-people with LOL lives always in > or < demand for + FB Likes. I’d like to kiss with my lips instead of XOX-ing with my keyboard. I’d like to hear some real birds chirp over my shoulder, not blue, dead birds tweet hashtags with my fingers.

I’d like to get up once a week with no other agenda than laziness in bed, no time, no musts or shoulds or have tos. Eat breakfast for dinner, juice for lunch, and talk to trees, and cry, walk backwards, love my solitude, and understand my doing by undoing.

 

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I’d like to be art, not make it, be home, not build it, be life, not just live it. Become the outer layer of my own aliveness. Be the director of my movie, not a tired actor on someone else’s screen.

I’d like to love my neighbor even when his fucking TV drives me so fucking crazy I could reach across the fucking wall, pull out the morning-show fucks and get them another fucking job that doesn’t degrade humanity.

I’d like to be 100% recyclable, untraceable, not remembered, only perceived, non-violent, transparent, like water; donate all my organs, leave only footsteps on a beach, not carbon footprints on our children’s faces.

I’d like to have some faith, just any faith, that I can walk on water and not drown; and even if I didn’t have that faith, jump off my sinking ships with no lifesaver, anyway.

I’d like to have kids so they can point at life with chubby fingers and big bright eyes, because life is so new, it doesn’t have a name. So they remind me of the fearless truth I used to know when I arrived into the world. And when my kids forget, I want grandchildren.

{Amélie - Screenshot}

{Amélie – Screenshot}

I’d like to write real letters – with ink and stuff, on that thing of the past called paper. And seal them with my royal ring on candle wax; send them away with a carrier pigeon and wait patiently for the answer, enchanted by the life outside my castle.

Not type up anxious atoms on a screen, with fifty windows open, five songs inside each ear, my flashy hope in ads, my life reduced to headlines, click, double-click to open, restart, refresh, close, open, close again, why-won’t-you-load, you fucking piece of shit?

I’d like to finish all the books I start. Review the universal story through every pair of glasses. And after all is said and done, be even more convinced that I know nothing yet. That I was born and I will die, and in between, a moment, you and me, this fading light and I.

I’d like to believe that we’re not just numbers plus minutes plus blood plus agony, but human issues, crazy planets, the universe brushing its hair; and like all great short stories, we sound familiar, but haven’t really happened any place or time before.

I’d like to love and lose and love again, and lose and love and lose again, because what else is there to do?

I’d like to sit with old people and understand why they’re not in a hurry, why they don’t want to get out of themselves, or go some other place, so badly. Rest my pulse on their bulldog wrinkles; and listen closely to the stories they tell from when the world didn’t use to end.

I’d like to take naps, lots of naps, and in that deep, redeeming sleep, rewrite the past and future into Now.

I’d like to be more than a word, a sentence or a paragraph. I want to be an entire chapter, or better yet, a novel. Be written in detail. Survive the darkness. Rephrase the light.

I’d like to think with no thoughts that the heart is its own country, in which I am allowed without a passport, a face, a resume, a bank account or any kind of title.

And write with no fingers on that flickering life that passes as we write, incessantly, about how life is passing through our fingers.

***

If you, like me, have overplayed this song for the past ten years, you need to do it one last time.

And if you haven’t, close your eyes and… breathe?

 

 

*A version of this piece has also been shared on elephant journal.

 

 

 

{Slow Love}

 

 

*Sign up for my Museletter – FREE creative resources, soulful life tips and game-changing inspiration. 

 

 

 

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Andrea Balt
Co-Founder/Editor-in-Chief of Rebelle Society, Wellness Alchemist at Rebelle Wellness & Professional Dream Chaser at Creative Rehab. Unfinished book with a love for greens, bikes and poetry; raised by wolves & adopted by people; not trying to make art but to Be Art. Holds a BA in Journalism & Mass Communication, an MFA in Creative Writing & a Holistic Health Coach degree from the Institute for Integrative Nutrition®. In her work she tries to reflect the wholeness of the human experience by combining Art & Health + Mind & Body + Darkness & Brilliance into a more alive, unabridged and unlimited edition of ourselves. She is also on a quest to reinstate Creativity as one of our essential Human Rights to (hopefully and soon) be included in the UN Declaration. Connect with her in the Social Media Jungle via Facebook, Twitter & Instagram and sign up for her FREE MuseLetter.

43 Comments

  • Kathleen Ivanoff commented on August 16, 2013 Reply
    signed
  • Rebekah commented on August 16, 2013 Reply
    Yes, yes, and yes. (Signed)
  • Robert Sturman
    Robert commented on August 16, 2013 Reply
    I loved every word – pure heart.
  • sufey (@SufeyChen) commented on August 16, 2013 Reply
    In love. Head-over-heels in love.
  • Mikey commented on August 16, 2013 Reply
    Tears in the presence of absolute truth. Wow.
  • jdllewellyn commented on August 16, 2013 Reply
    Sometimes just a few words slung together can reach in and make sense out of chaos … and then add a music track .. ahh, sublime!
  • yogi commented on August 16, 2013 Reply
    this made me cry
  • Elle Taylor commented on August 16, 2013 Reply
    exactly.
  • Kimmy commented on August 16, 2013 Reply
    creative perspiration. I wish I could hug you
  • Ryan Eggen commented on August 16, 2013 Reply
    Beautiful, thank you.
  • SR Atchley
    SR Atchley commented on August 17, 2013 Reply
    Darling darling darling…you are all this and more. And less. And all. Stellar piece, here. Thank you.
  • Tracy Wisneski
    Tracy Wisneski commented on August 17, 2013 Reply
    Love, love, love all this beauty and insight and inspiration that is you! I just can’t thank you enough for all of it…and for this song that I’ve never heard before that I’m likely to keep on repeat for a long time.
    • Andrea Balt
      Andrea Balt commented on August 23, 2013 Reply
      mais ce n’est pas possible! Amelie’s soundtrack (and especially this song) must be among the most played in the history of cinema. I alone must responsible for the last 5,000 plays on this video. (And THANK YOU for all the love and trust and support and fun that is YOU).
  • Alison Nappi
    Alison Nappi commented on August 18, 2013 Reply
    Everytime I read your work, it breaks my heart a little, opens me up more, teaches me how to live better, reminds me to breathe. I love you. You are all heart!
    • Andrea Balt
      Andrea Balt commented on August 24, 2013 Reply
      Heart bending for your work. It’s an honor to share this space with you Ms. Nappi.
  • Emily Robison commented on August 18, 2013 Reply
    This just made my cry. I feel this so much.
  • Timothy D. Rossi commented on August 19, 2013 Reply
    It should be simple to say how incredible your writing is (which it is), yet words elude me. This is beautifully written with feeling and thinking and chaos, yet a succinct rendition of a life worth living. I hope someone is giving you big hearted hug to say thanks for this.
    • Andrea Balt
      Andrea Balt commented on August 23, 2013 Reply
      Timothy…your comment IS that big-hearted hug. Thank you!
  • Bridget McCarthy commented on August 21, 2013 Reply
    Yes. A million times and more, yes. I want this tattooed on my soul so I don’t forget a single word.
  • Tanya Lee Markul
    tanya lee markul commented on August 21, 2013 Reply
    So, so, so beautiful and brilliantly written. Mmmm. xoxoxo
  • Andrea Balt
    Andrea Balt commented on August 23, 2013 Reply
    Thank you for all the beautiful, heartfelt feedback. Saving these whispers.
  • Jen commented on August 24, 2013 Reply
    THIS speaks to my heart.
  • Renie commented on August 24, 2013 Reply
    Youhave a direct line to the human heart…keep sensing, feeling, intuiting, writing….being the beautiful creature that you are …a gift to the world.
  • Dawn commented on August 24, 2013 Reply
    Every word a whisper from the Universe. What a wonderful way to wake up on a cold Saturday morning here in South Africa! I too want to inhale these words, tattoo them on my heart & play that soundtrack over and over. You’re a goddess Andrea & I’m delighted to have witnessed your creative power in action. Thank you :-D
  • Allison Liberty commented on August 24, 2013 Reply
    The truest fucking thing I’ve ever… Bless you, Goddess <3
  • Marisa HarNadh commented on August 24, 2013 Reply
    YOU are one of the most AMAZING and heArt exploding poet I have ever met and I thought I was good… each time… i read your prose, you take me to adhoc delicious places withIN. Thank you!
  • sparklegoat commented on August 24, 2013 Reply
    When did you sneak inside my head? You are phenomenal.
  • Kerry commented on September 15, 2013 Reply
    I want what you want.
  • susie commented on September 15, 2013 Reply
    Andrea, i loved this beautiful piece when i first read it and reading it again i love it even more. Thank you :)
  • Karen commented on October 30, 2013 Reply
    perfectly and beautifully said. thank you for bringing some light into my journey. i am deeply grateful for you and your gift. although we all may be walking our paths alone, i believe we all may be walking together. thank you for walking with me.
  • alise versella commented on October 30, 2013 Reply
    I love reading something that puts all the jumbled thoughts in my head into significant sentences. This also made me want to cry those joyful tears those hopeless tears you cry for humanity when you’re in yearning. Thank you immensely for this it made my morning. I want to print this out and frame it so i can better memorize the words.
  • Andrea Balt
    Andrea Balt commented on November 27, 2013 Reply
    Thank you for reading & commenting. Melts my beaten heart. Tired love.
  • Long Distance Love Bombs
    longdistancelovebombs commented on November 28, 2013 Reply
    Love this! You are damn good at what you do.
  • Karma commented on November 28, 2013 Reply
    Wow! I took a long time to read this because each sentence exploded into a whole blog post inside my brain. :) Thank you Andrea.
  • Nellia commented on November 28, 2013 Reply
    this was like inhaling most wonderful perfume and having the smell fill the lungs and intoxicate the body with reality. I loved it, LOVED THE WRITING! so talented and simple and truth…TRUTH and authenticity. Thank you so much! Thank you. This makes a difference.
  • Carlos commented on November 29, 2013 Reply
    very touching, brought up memories of a forgotten world.
  • Pisara commented on December 26, 2013 Reply
    After this I felt my heart beating again. I can’t remember the last time I’ve felt it.
  • Mary Beth Morris commented on December 27, 2013 Reply
    OH. MY. GOD. YES.
  • Mariann Martland commented on January 26, 2014 Reply
    Yes!
  • Jane Jennings commented on January 26, 2014 Reply
    Simply put: perfection. Thank you a million times over.
  • Mark commented on May 17, 2014 Reply
    Yes. I love you. No half way on that.
  • miranda jane. commented on June 23, 2014 Reply
    I want to live with these glasses. All the re-reads and many the heart-feels.
  • Andrea, you write in a way that I can’t ignore. Powerful! “Thank you” is not enough! xo

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