Yum. Sugar. Top 7 Don’ts on a Detox.
I’m not a big fan of detoxes.
I live more by the principle that if you don’t put anything toxic in your body, then there is nothing to detox out of it.
I know, I know… we can’t always control, with the environment and chemicals and toxins, what goes into our body.
Probably, the real reason is: I am simply not a good detoxer. Period. I think it’s like pregnancy. Some people get the pregnancy glow, and some people just look miserable, tired, and bloated. I am of the latter, when it comes to detoxing.
And so, I was not such a happy camper when an integrative physician I am working with prescribed a 14-day medical detox (no sugar, caffeine, dairy, soy, gluten, eggs, peanuts, limited fruits, and only 60g of carbs) for a bacterial issue in my stomach. As a vegetarian, this is pure misery.
And so, fellow non-detox-glow detoxers, here are my top seven Don’ts on your first few days of a detox. You’ll thank me for this:
1. Don’t keep opening your fridge.
Yummy detox food won’t magically appear.
We have all been there. We open the door, stand very still, stare endlessly into the fridge, sigh, and close the door. Five minutes later, we do the same thing again. This is a waste of your precious detox energy.
And also, it’s just upsetting.
2. Don’t talk to your friends about it.
This holds hues of discussing the colon hydrotherapy session you had last week.
I know this is a shocker, but not everyone cares as much about squeaky clean intestines as you do.
When you talk to people about your detox, you won’t get the pity your empty stomach desires. Your friend is enjoying her cappuccino way too much.
When she glances at you with your water and herbal tea, she thinks, “she is doing this to herself.”
You also won’t get the praise you want. Again, remember, friend — cappuccino, you — tea that tastes like some flowers drowned in it yesterday.
3. Don’t fake being happy.
You’re hungry, tired, probably cranky, and envy the time when your naïveté had you eating the donut and Mountain Dew the guy in the car next to you is having for breakfast. Okay, maybe you were never that naive, but that donut sure does look good.
4. Don’t have consequential or important discussions with a loved one.
Your brain is not functioning properly.
During the first days of a detox, your rationality shuts down to allow all the rampant, pent up emotions within you to spew out. This is a universal law.
If you’d like to see what your emotional eruption potential is, then by all means, discuss family life and finances and the hot girl who just moved in next door — with your boyfriend.
5. Don’t stop drinking water.
After you pissed off your cappuccino-drinking friend with your praise-worthy “Look at me, I’m so clean and disciplined” detox jargon and spewed out all over your boyfriend for smiling at the new neighbor, let’s face it, water is your only friend at this point.
Just close your eyes, drink your water, and remember, you are doing this to yourself.
6. Don’t. Ever. Go. To. The. Grocery. Store.
Remember, you’re not in the “I feel so good!” stage of the detox. You’re smack in the middle of your sugar, chocolate, and baked goods withdrawal symptoms.
As you peruse the produce section for your perfect green smoothie ingredients next to the woman in Yoga pants chewing on a chocolate bar, you won’t be a reflection of your best self. Trust me.
Buy your food before your detox begins, when You can be that woman in yoga pants chewing on a chocolate bar, thinking of how much you love your body by starting this detox tomorrow.
Then. Never return to the grocery store. For many, many days.
7. Don’t try and write incredibly inspiring pieces.
This column is proof. I’m currently on the first few days of a detox, so take everything I wrote here with a grain of salt. Better yet, with a grain of sugar.